We are more likely to fall back on the same patterns of behaviors and actions, even when we know we are just repeating ourselves.
While in the Air Force I met another young man. I was married to him for 17 years., and two beautiful boys came into this world. We used the money my Daddy had left me to buy a home. Brandon the oldest was born in Abilene Texas on the AFB. Then I had Jeremy 3 years later. Their father decided he did not want to continue in the AF (re-up) but wanted to move back to Toledo Ohio where Jeremy was born and raised. I did not want to leave. I knew no one, had no car and didn’t even have insulation in our home on Lake Erie.
Things changed when we moved. I didn’t know the man I married. Maybe I never did. Take time when choosing your soul mate. I left before him and when he arrived it was with a black eye. Red Flags. He said he was at some bar and walked some girl to her car. Guess her boyfriend didn’t like it? A short time later we went to a friend’s wedding. I was pregnant and not feeling well so he took me home and went back to the reception at the hotel. I did not see him till morning. No cell phones then and I guess no phone in the room. He was back home with his buddies, and I was home and had no lifeline. I grew into a very bitter person and had no one to talk to. Why didn’t I talk to God?
Hebrews 12:15
“See to it no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
You see growing up in the church and being a Christian, divorce was an oxymoron. You were supposed to stay married no matter what. My Mother’s father completely disowned her for this plus she left my dad for a black man. Back then in Tennessee you can only imagine. I didn’t want to go to hell. Plus, I wanted my boys to have both parents, no matter what the dis-function. Bad decision. I waited too long, and they saw things they never should have. I am to blame for that.
Where would I go? How would I survive? What would people think?
I was married to a narcissist. I felt so lonely, controlled, useless and put down. He made me feel this way daily. Should have turned back to God.
I felt determined to make this marriage work. I even had a friend of mine take me to Al-Anon meetings to find a way to cope. When I said I was leaving, he would threaten to disappear with the boys, and I believed him. I had to tip-toe around him because he had a very bad temper. As long as I tip-toed things went smooth, if not I found myself on my butt. I had so much anger inside me. We as a family could not do anything unless alcohol was involved. Eventually I figured I can’t change him, might as well join him. I was deep in sin and did many things I’m ashamed of. It numbed the pain for short periods of time. I became an ugly drunk, indulged in drugs, something I despised. Committed adultery anything to numb the pain. I hurt my children mentally in my actions, that’s what hurts the most. God will forgive but generations will follow your bad example. You do reap what you sow.
God hates divorce but I wanted a divorce. I felt like I was drowning. I had to because I was killing myself. It was very ugly. I tried to get him to go to a marriage counselor with me, but he would not. No one should know what was going on behind closed doors, he said. I tried to be nice for the boy’s sake, but he did not care. He used the boys as leverage against me. He had money to get them anything they wanted. He scared me. I had nothing. I did not fight for anything when we got divorced. I wanted to be good at co-parenting. When they were supposed to be with me, he would plan a boat outing with the boys so they didn’t want to come. He would tell them I was crazy, and they didn’t have to listen to me. I recorded conversations but you can’t use that. Child Services did nothing to see to the welfare of the children. He ended up moving them from Michigan to Ohio without my knowledge. Then he sent the youngest to his brothers in Florida to attend school. A 20 yr. old, raising a 17-year-old. I had no knowledge of this until later. He wanted to punish me, and he did in the only way he possibly can do it, with my boys. I have apologized to my boys for everything I have done to hurt them. we’ve cried. A lot they did not know because only one side was put on their shoulders. It breaks my heart. I even apologized to my ex in the last year for any hurt I caused him because God put this on my heart to do. It was very one sided. I just wanted to die at this point in my life. Like the song, Rescue: You are not hidden There’s not been a moment you were forgotten; you are not hopeless, though you have been broken, your innocence stolen, I hear your SOS.
This was the darkest time in my life. I became depressed. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I grieved for my boys. Didn’t want to live without them.
God hates divorce. My choice to divorce had caused deep hurt in my children’s hearts. I was a failure. The guilt was So heavy. I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable. I believed I was destined to be abused or abandoned by any male. I made bad choices which have bad consequences. The fear and knowing a lot of people and churches would reject me because I was an awful sinner. I did not like myself. How could God forgive me? I had committed too many unforgivable sins. So, my thoughts were why bother to go back to church to be rejected again. Little did I know…..
Breaking the silence is a catalyst for healing:
James 5:16
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so you may be healed.”
1 John 1:19
“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us
from all wickedness.”
I turn from my sin and back to Him. He died on the cross for my sins and his never- ending love is there for me. I am so unworthy of His love. Nothing can separate us now.
Romans 8:33
”Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No-One -for God Himself has given us right- standing with Himself. It is God who justifies – who will judge me.”
I am not proud of my story. Twice divorced, I have learned that I don’t have to live with shame because of it. God has a greater story, and he knew mine from the beginning. I am the woman at the well. She was walking lost and alone. Jesus healed her heart as he has healed mine.
When I’m kicking and screaming, when I struggle believing, God you know my humanity is anything but whole- still you say that you want me and won’t let me go. When my eyes cannot see it and my heart doesn’t feel it, God you are always Faithful no matter what.
I learned Sin does not make you ineligible for redemption; sin is the reason redemption is necessary. My enemy so expertly twists the truth. He convinced me that my sin canceled the invitation to Christ, and my sin chased Jesus away from me. But here’s the truth: Because of my sin Jesus came for me. He invited me to Him.
It has taken a while, but I know….
I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I AM LOVED BY THE BEST!
To be continued …..
- Wobbly Road Part 6 - August 20, 2024
- Wobbly Road: Part 5 - July 16, 2024
- Wobbly Road: Part 4 - June 12, 2024