Then I met Darrell, my husband for the last 23 years. Poor man didn’t know I came with so much baggage, so many negative messages and past bad habits. I was a divorcee twice before. These words grip my heart with shame and terror. I am not proud of my past. I didn’t really like myself. How could I love someone else?
Darrell sent roses to my work, and I gave them all away. I did not want another man. He did not give up. I felt like a mistake, unworthy, and unloved. I was that woman at the well. Jesus is the only one who could heal my heart but maybe he used Darrell. He loved me, and didn’t care about my past. He had the patience of Job. I was not an easy egg to break. He brought me out of a deep dark pit. My children were living with their father who tried his best to keep them away from us because he did not want another man in their lives, but the shoe did not fit on the other foot. Always yelling and screaming, disrespecting me in front of them. He would tell them not to tell me things and put them in the middle of our fight. Using them because it’s the only way he could get to me. I tried to get the children’s court to help me, and they decided putting us in a room together alone would solve the problem. They did not help in any way. Their dad basically let them do what they wanted to do. He wanted to be their friend and not their father. He was letting Brandon live with a friend. I was going off the deep end.
So, Darrell and I made a big step. We knew for our marriage to survive we needed a complete fresh start. We moved to Tennessee. No jobs. I had worked for a bank, and he drove a concrete truck in Hillsdale Michigan. My Aunt Irene let us stay with her until the buying of our home was complete. One year later we were doing the same jobs we did in Michigan in Tennessee. My oldest was 17 and youngest was 14 when we moved. Darrell had 2 girls, the oldest 26 and youngest 23. I had many dark times. I missed my boys so much I thought I was losing my mind. Darrell held me many times. My Aunt always said “busy hands make a happy heart “; so that’s what I did. We had horses and chickens, put up fencing around our 10 acres. Always had a big garden. I stopped smoking one year after we were married and stopped drinking heavily. I admit I still have a glass of wine occasionally. I started running races. I ran many 5k’s and have done 5 full marathons, 26.2 miles. We found a church, but it never felt like it welcomed us. I had to go to classes to be a member which I never finished.
Then I got the phone call from Jeremy’s father that he’s sending Jeremy to live with us at 18. He had no Driver’s license, and dropped out of school. I was so excited I was finally getting my boy back. At this point he would have had two yrs. school to complete high school, so he got his GED instead. I took him to get his driver’s license. In his GED classes he made a so-called friend. Not a good one. Darrell and I had rules for our home. One night he had this friend over, and I caught them walking up the driveway smoking a joint. That was one of our rules. So, I packed his stuff. Hindsight I was probably too harsh, but I had told him beforehand because I saw what was coming. He started getting into trouble with the law, drugs, drinking and driving. He was ejected from a vehicle with this friend. They both walked away. Darrell and I went to look at this site. Trees all around, his pictures and all his stuff were all over. He ran. I didn’t know where he was for long periods of time if he was alive or dead. He even broke into our home and stole all Darrell’s guns and many other things. I would wake up from nightmares seeing him on his knees shot in the head. I reported him missing. The first time he went to jail we bailed him out. The second time we left him there He even stayed at the Bread of Life for a while. He continued to go down the wrong path and ended up in prison. It was far away so we only went to see him every other month. I wish no parent this situation at all. You reap what you sow. I saw him in shackles and handcuffs. I had the metal door clang behind me going to visit. It was a horrific sound. On the first visit I started to cry, and Jeremy said mom don’t do that, everyone is watching. You see in prison they look for weaknesses, pick sides, white, black etc. If you don’t you are a target. He had theft & reckless driving on his record, and he was in there with child molesters, killers. All I could do was pray for his protection.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. Jeremy spent 2 years there. Darrell went to pick him up when he got out. He decided to move back to Toledo with his dad because he had burned all his bridges here. No one would hire him, and all his so-called friends would take him down the same path. He has had a very rocky life, but someone gave him a chance and hired him. He’s gone back through apprentice school and is raising my 12-year-old granddaughter. He tells me today if I didn’t use tough love, he probably would be dead, but boy was it hard. He’s come a long way. He believes but still needs a church family. He, like me, has clawed his way from the bottom to the top. We created our problems, and they are hard to walk away from.
Brandon is married and lives in California with his beautiful wife and two of my beautiful Grandbabies. He is very closed, and I can’t seem to reach him, but I will never give up. I pray that one day he will find God again. They as a couple have been through some trying times but with counseling have moved forward. We had a nice visit last year. I try to get him to talk about things, but he will not. I have apologized for all the hurt on my part that I caused him. They as a couple have been through some trying times but with counseling have moved forward. I know my Grandson who is 13 reads his Bible every night. For that I am so thankful.
Like Paul:
Jesus came into the world to save sinners and I am the worst of them all.
But God had mercy on me so that Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst of sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life. I was gripped by shame; we have choices in life. I am not my past! I am loved. I have heard it said that we are as sick as our secrets. My secrets have made me sick. They kept me isolated and afraid of getting too close to people for fear of them seeing who I really was behind the masks I wore. My voice, my ability to tell the truth made me feel something bad would happen.
“I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today, nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love”.
I have given Jesus countless reasons not to love me, none changed his mind. He is Amazing. I follow Him. I confess my sin, and I have received You into my life as my Lord and Savior. I trust you when you say salvation comes by grace, through faith, and not by anything I do. I have turned over every part of my life to your management. I am so very grateful for your unconditional love. I want to use the rest of my life for You and ask You to save me and accept me into Your family.
In Jesus name
Amen
To be continued……
- Merry Christmas - December 2, 2024
- Wobbly Road: Part 8 - October 29, 2024
- Wobbly Road – Part 7 - September 25, 2024